Holiday Anxiety

It is wednesday morning, you can smell the level of uncertainty and dread in the air.

I go to my local coffee shop, where I eat a ridiculously sized pain au chocolat with an almond filling and a cappuccino. By now, I have my local postwoman's phone number. I message her, "Is there a letter for me?" I have a bad feeling in my stomach.

She replies, "A special delivery came in for you just this morning.”

We are going on a road trip b****tch. The stupid license came.

We packed our sh*t and were on the ferry to France by 2pm.

Drove all the way to Switzerland, a swift 7-hour sleep in the spare room of a kind Yoga Guru/Airbnb host, and then straight to Sirmione in Italy in order to catch up to our initial plan. A strong 1400km trip.

But since arriving and starting the holiday, I have not felt quite right. There has been a sense of anxiety brewing inside me. There are certainly many moments of bliss and enjoyment of being on holiday, but there are also moments where it just does not feel right.

The more I experience life - different people, activities, locations, etc. - the more it becomes apparent that one cannot run away from problems. It is easy to blame our problems on externalities, but in reality it all stems from within us and how we view and interact with the world. Wherever one goes and whatever one does, problems follow. Even if feelings or emotions are suppressed momentarily due to the initial excitement of a new activity or place, they will eventually surface in a time of quiet and peace. This could happen as one is going to sleep, during a quiet moment throughout the day, or by consciously reflecting on what is happening in one's mind.

I already had a feeling that during this holiday, despite taking time off work, I would need to do something to maintain my sanity. Also, because of the extra hassle of the driving license, my daily schedule and habits have completely gone out the window.

I could feel myself getting aggy two days into our trip. We had finally arrived in Italy, in a beautiful little town called Sirmione. On our first proper day of the road trip holiday, we had caught up to our initial trajectory. But I wasn't feeling right, although it's not surprising to me looking back. A week of stress thinking about what to do if the driving license doesn't arrive, booking last-minute bits and bobs, a lot less exercise, not a great diet, followed by driving for two days straight. Of course, I wasn't going to feel on top of the world. I have been so used to having my own little schedule that I follow, and that I know makes me feel good. So it's no surprise that when that falls apart, so does my mental health.

I do sometimes try to do what it seems most people do - go on holiday and really let loose. However, whenever I attempt to completely “switch off”, I find that it never really works out for me. I still need some sort of structure, even on holiday. Maybe do a bit of exercise in the morning followed by a bit of writing. Just an hour or two, but it can make a world of difference when trying to live my life without feeling like I am falling behind.

I believe that doing what I perceive as "the done thing" (eg completely letting go of work and structure whilst on holiday) is an excuse that my monkey brain offers me when I am attempting a long-term endeavour. Something that requires hard and consistent work over an extended period. (This came as a realisation as I was writing this).

Last three days have been better. Currently, we are in the Plitvice area in Croatia and it is beautiful around here. Mountainous forests, big waterfalls, exactly what I needed. I have been spending more time walking in nature and taking some time for myself in the morning, and I feel better. Building some sort of structure while on this trip is vital if I want to really be present and enjoy this opportunity to travel. There are still moments of “something doesn’t feel quite right”, but at least now I have some sort of a game plan that I know makes me feel better.

I believe that this sense of dread stems from the feeling of not making progress towards something. Personally, I feel at my best when I am actively working towards a goal. However, it's important for me to remember that I am constantly working toward something. It might not be work, it could be progress in my relationships, life experiences, or spirituality.

Essentially, I know that having structure helps me feel good in every setting - even on holiday. But when I feel like I’m slipping, it’s important to remember that not all the work being done is tangible.

Lots of love,

Koko

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