I hate bullshi*ting

One of the emotions I hate experiencing the most is when someone gives me praise for something I have not done/achieved. Is there a word for that?

I am incredibly good at making it seem like I have it together and that things in my life are working out just fine. And I dont know why I get upset when people think of me of someone that has their shit sorted, it’s my fault for manipulating people’s views of me.

This past week was a bit of a mess for me. My personal resistance (War of Art analogy) got the best of me, with video games, sugary snacks, binge-watching YouTube, and any other vice that came knocking on my door. As a result, very little work was accomplished.

It's hard not to feel disappointed in myself when I have a week like this. I've had many stages in my life where I've made pretty decent progress in something, only to ruin it with a few bad days of whatever the poison might be - mostly in the form of binging on cheap dopamine.

Worst part of it was that I saw it coming. You can even hear it in my previous newsletter, where the seed of this was grown. One bad day leads to another a few days later, and the snowball effect begins.

Spreading myself too thin has been a recurring theme in my life. Without a singular focus, I tend to explore and try new things in the hopes that something will eventually stick. However, in the process of doing so, I spread my energy too thinly across too many different areas, and as a result, I make little progress. I do think this is slowly changing and I am focusing my energy on what I think will bring me the most joy, taking a bit longer than I want but isn’t that the case with most things. Good things come to those who wait, or something like that.

So I guess my frustration comes when people’s perception of me is better than what I percieve my identity to be.

This has come about because of how social media has the ability to portray people's lives as great, but then you speak to them in real life and realise that everything is actually falling apart for them. I want my human experience to be as honest as possible, with my ups, downs, and everything in between. However, I struggle to talk about my downs because I hate burdening people with that information. At the same time, I think it can be unbelievably relieving when you read, see, or talk to someone who is or has gone through what you are going through in this very moment. So, I guess I just need to work on how to communicate it, perhaps.

But what about "fake it till you make it"? Live as the person you want to be until you become that person. I believe there is truth to this approach, and I often use it. However, it is not a perfect journey. In my case, I even have imposter syndrome in everyday situations because of this. I try to act like the best version of myself, but my little devil self sometimes creeps in and out to let me know it is still there.

There is a part of me that does enjoy the downs, I try and step back from the situation and appriciate it for what it is. I have put myself in this difficult situation on purpose, and I always knew that it will not be an easy journey there.

We learn most when we fail, right?

So, with my newfound knowledge of this week's failures, I can approach the remainder of this week and next week with a better understanding of how to avoid falling back into my own traps and execute my plan more effectively.

This feels more like a diary entry than a newsletter. Maybe it's just the state of my mind right now. I'm trying not to worry about where this is going, but instead, focus on the process of doing it. That seems to bring me the most satisfaction.

And that seems to be the antidote to burnout: doing things that bring you the most amount of satisfaction.

Lots of Love,

Koko :)

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